the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
