is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
