Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
