the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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