Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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