I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
