the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
