yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
