guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
