i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
