i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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