You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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