yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
