i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
