@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
