I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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