Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
