is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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