so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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