The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize