I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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