I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
