so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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