apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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