I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
