I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
