If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
