So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
