Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
