If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
