He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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