Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
