i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
