I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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