I CAN MOONWALK!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
