Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you made out with another girl for some wings
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize