Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
