Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
