Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
