two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
