I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
