Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
