it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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