well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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