So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
