note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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