I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
