We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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