I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
