I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
