If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
