what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
