I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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