Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize