You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
