the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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