Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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