Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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