im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
