What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
