so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
