i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize