remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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