i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
