so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
