I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
