Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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